


Death Wish Coffee

by Spinax



Category: South Park
Genre: Also headcannon usage, Buckle up kiddies we're in for a rollercoaster which i have no idea how to write, Eric cartman is a short fatass with a small dick, Everyone is a junior in high school, M/M, Tweek and Craig are actually dating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-10 08:31:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6947821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spinax/pseuds/Spinax
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Did you ever wonder what would happen if Tweek drank Death Wish Coffee?</p><p>Well Stan's Gang did, so they found out for themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea after watching the Buzzfeed video where people drink Death Wish Coffee and bc I am such SP trash I wondered, what would happen if the eternally paranoid vibrating child drank this. Admittedly the first thing that crosses my mind was death bc let's be honest he looks like he's 5 steps away from a heart attack with the amount of coffee he drinks there is no way he'd drink this and live. However, I am not a cruel writer (and I'm a big baby that always avoids any sad fics ever) so I won't kill him. 
> 
> Let's find out what happens, shall we?

“Hey dudes, check this out!”

“What is it?”

“So I saw this thing called Death Wish coffee, it’s super cool! If you drink one cup you’ll stay awake for like, ever. I had to sign a waver to get it”

“So what does this have to do with us?”

“Well Kyle, I was thinking that we could all drink, with finals and whatnot. And by we I mean you.”

“There’s no way I’m drinking that shit.”

“Neither am I.”

“Fuck that.”

“Aw come onnnn. I’m not gonna drink it by myself-”

“Who would willingly drink coffee that gives you a heart attack?”

“...What about the spazz? I mean, he’s basically a coffee connoisseur right?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Tweek kinda avoids us.”

“He doesn’t avoid me!”

“Okay, all of us other than Kenny. Besides, we’ll have to get past Craig and I don't want to deal with that.”

“Well what would happen if we say...distracted him?”

“And how exactly are we going to do that fatass?”

“EY! DON’T CALL ME FAT YOU FILTHY FUCKING JEW! Anyway, I have a plan. Stan and Kyle distract Craig, ask him to play basketball or do each other’s nails I don’t care, just get him away. Kenny will ask to meet Tweek at the library, and I’ll handle it from there. I think you all realize how...persuasive I can be.”

“Fine, but if something happens to him I’m blaming you.”

“Oh come on Kyle, have some faith in me.”

"Not my fault I don't trust a racist, fascist pig."

"Not my fault you're a Jewish, ginger bitch from Jersey. Look do we have a deal or not?"

"Fine, but don't expect me to back you up man."

"Honestly I never did."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan and Kyle commence Phase 1 of Operation Death Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was considering doing the rest in whatever that dialogue form was last chapter, but then I tried to do how stuff is normally written then I remembered my writing is actual succ so enjoy this trash I guess!

“Hey Craig!”

Craig stopped looking in his locker to look at, oh. If he could call Stan and Kyle shit eating douchebags to their faces he would be soooo happy. They were headed over to him, probably to involve him in some scheme that would get him grounded for 2 weeks. No, never again, especially not after Peru. Yes, he still was hung up about Peru, lightning eyes aren’t fun and they feel weird.

“No.” He said, as he closed his locker and walked away. He didn’t want to and wouldn’t deal with this today.

“We- Hey! Wait up!” Oh great, they were following him. Well, he had to give them points for persistence, but Craig was pretty sure that if he kept walking and decline anything they offered they’d eventually go away. “I’m not giving you money and I’m not getting involved in whatever you’re doing. Go ask Butters, or something.” 

Behind him, Stan groaned like he knew Craig would be this difficult. Good, maybe now they’d realize he wouldn’t join their scheme or whatever. ”We weren’t going to ask for money, and we aren’t up to anything. We just thought you’d want to see a movie or something.” 

Craig stopped walking and looked at him, which caused Stan to stop quickly which made Kyle walk right into Stan’s back, yelping a curse before he got his bearings back and stood next to him. 

“We haven’t hung out since since 4th grade, and we haven’t spoken since 5th. Why else would you want to talk to me other than to get something out of me?”

“It’s not like that this time!” Isn’t it? Craig might have imagined it, but he thought he saw something cross his face. Panic maybe, but he wasn’t completely sure he saw something in the first place. 

“Ok then Stan, what do you want?”

“Like I said, we just want to hang out!”

“Really? We haven’t spoken for like 6 years and now you want to hang out?”

“Look if you’re going to be such an asshole about it-”

“We wanted to make up!” Both Stan and Craig looked down at Kyle, who had been silent throughout the whole ordeal. The short redhead practically yelled, making a good portion of the surrounding people look at them. Kyle must’ve saw because he continued with a much soften tone. “Look, we’re sorry about everything, especially Peru. I know we weren’t the best of friends, and I know we were giant assholes, but we’ve changed. We just want to be friends again.”

Craig blinked. He wasn’t expecting an apology, especially not from the small bundle of anger that never admits when he’s wrong. Then again, he was a surprisingly good actor - not nearly as good as Tweek, but still pretty good - and Craig wasn’t ready to trust him just yet. “Ok so you want to make up for Peru by taking me to see some movie? I’m not just going to-”

“I got the new Red Racer movie.” Oh. OH. Oh. Craig’s eyes widened and he almost grabbed Stan by the shoulders to shake him and demand how the hell he got the movie that wasn’t even in theaters yet. “Are you serious? How the hell did you even get it?”

“My uncle was stationed with one of the camera guys who filmed the movie. So are you in or not?”

“Yeah, fine. What time should I show up?” A voice in the back of Craig’s mind told him that he shouldn't trust them and that he shouldn’t put so much trust in their words. He mentally flipped off the voice in his head, this was Red Racer, after all.

“Friday at 6, see you there Craig!” And with that they stalked off. It only then occurred to Craig that the movie night was happening at the same time as his and Tweek’s date. He groaned internally, wondering how to explain to Tweek that he was going over to Stan's place without him freaking out.

. . .

“I can’t believe how well that went.” Stan said to Kyle as they walked through the hall. “And I never knew you were that good of an actor. I think he actually believes we want to be friends again!”

Kyle blushed at the compliment. “Well, the plan definitely wouldn’t’ve worked if it weren’t for your uncle. Were you serious about the movie thing?”

“I was serious about the camera guy. I still need to actually get the movie.”

“Stan, you realize that if we don’t have the movie, Craig will literally kill us.”

“Yep. That’s why I’m saying Cartman took the movie for himself.”

“Wow, that’s very...Cartman of you.”

“He’s a bad influence on us, isn’t he?”

“Well, then again, I did say that if something went wrong, he’s taking the blame.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I said I'd upload this later this week, I meant that I would do it on Wednesday or Thursday. Look how that turned out amiright? But then I saw some comments saying I should do more detailed instead of whatever dialogue form thing that last chapter was, and so, almost a week later, here it is! I think I might be able to have weekly uploads but please don't hold me to that because I am awful at keeping any sort of schedule. Until next week (hopefully)!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenny commences phase 2 of Death Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this has any errors, I was kinda in a rush to post this and didn't really get that much time to beta-read it.

Finding Tweek was easy.

All you had to do was find the mane of blond hair standing out like a giant yellow sore thumb. It didn’t help that he also had a faint yet perpetual smell of coffee and that his twitches and tics made it hard for people to not notice him in the room. That is, unless you’ve known the guy since kindergarden and learned how to ignore them like most of the school.

It was, however, hard to find Tweek without Craig.

Despite being one of the tallest kids in school and having a supposed killer left hook, when they were in elementary school, Tweek was an easy target for bullies. His twitching and his tics gained him nicknames like “Spaz”,”Twitch/Twitchy”, and “Tweek Tweak the Coffee Freak”. (He has a feeling Cartman came up with the last one), and his thermos had definitely been stolen from him at least 10 times.

Once Tweek and Craig started dating, Craig quickly put a stop to that. After all, no one wanted to mess with Craig Tucker. It’s surprising how many times he almost got suspended for beating up someone who was bullying Tweek. Now that they had all grown up and Tweek actually stands up for himself, Craig’s constant presence was probably more out of habit than anything else.

That didn’t make it any easier to get past him though. He’d compare it to getting past a dragon to get to the princess, and unfortunately the princess wasn’t him this time. Actually, no, it’s more like convincing a jeweler to give up their most expensive necklace for free. He didn’t know why his comparisons sounded like they’d come out of some medieval fairy tale, but that’s what’s working at the moment.

He takes a deep breath and walks up to the couple, hoping that he didn’t immediately get shut down. “Well if it it’s my favorite couple of gays! Other than Butters and I, obviously.”

They both turned to him. Tweek snapped his head towards Kenny, making a little yelping noise, while Craig just turned his head. Craig. “Gah! Hey Kenny!” Tweek said with a small smile.

Craig’s greeting was as enthusiastic as the speaker. “Hey.”

“Hi Tweek! And asshole.” He got a glare from that. “ Anyway, I’d hate to break up such a lovely couple,” Kenny slid closer to Tweek and lightly grabbed his arm ”but I kinda need your boyfriend, for a bit. Don’t worry, I won’t need him for too long.”

Craig’s glared at Kenny, and opened his mouth, probably to tell him to fuck off, but Tweek shut him down. “Oh, uh, sure, but Craig Ack! was a-about to sa-”

“No, it’s fine.” Wow, Kenny was not expecting that to go so easily. Tweek wasn’t either.

“W-well if you say so.” Tweek let Kenny drag him away to the empty lot in the back of the school. The goth kids, for once in their lives, weren’t there, and Kenny had a feeling Tweek was getting more nervous.

“S-so what did you Ack! want Ken?” Kenny put up his best I’m-totally-not-planning-anything attitude.

“You see, I need a favor Tweek-” In retrospect, that probably wasn’t the best way to start off. Especially when you’re talking to someone who is paranoid about _everything_.

“W-What kind of favor? OH JESUS, DID YOU KILL SOMEONE?! Kenny, y-you KNOW I can’t Ngh! hide the bod-dy man! Not again!” He should’ve seen this coming, he approached him almost the exact same way he did when he asked him to hide the body.

“No, no nothing like that, I promise.” He pat Tweek’s shoulder, trying to calm the paranoid teen. “Now Tweek, we both know that I’m not very bright,”

Tweek rolled his eyes. “What else is n-new?”

“You’re hilarious, you know that?” He deadpanned. “Look, I need to get my grades up, because for some unholy reason my parents decided to actually be parents. I need to get my grades up or I can’t see Butters.”

“You want me to Ack! tutor you?” Tweek looked sceptical and unconvinced, not exactly what he was going for. “Why don’t you Gah! ask Kyle? Isn’t he basically Ivy League m-material?” _Shit_ , he didn’t think about Kyle.

“Kyle’s, uh, busy. He’s constantly busy, like studying, or something.” Kenny should get an oscar for how great his acting is.

“You’re a horrible actor, Kenny.” Well, he tried at least

He shrugged “We can’t all be as gifted in the fine art of acting like you, Tweeky.”

“What do you really want, Kenny?”

Here goes nothing.

“I really do need studying. You’re the first person I asked because you’re the only one that Cartman won’t notice.” Kenny noticed that Tweek looked as confused as ever “Cartman would notice if me and Kyle suddenly hung out together and I don’t have the strength to deal with him.”

“W-Well, I guess I could,”

He smiled and hugged Tweek, ignoring the startled yelp from the blonde “Thanks Tweeky! So how does Friday at 6 sound?"

"W-Well actually I-"

"Great! See you then!" And with that Kenny sped away from the empty lot, about to tell Stan and the others that he did his part.

Then he stopped. Why was he doing this? He didn't have anything against Tweek, he actually liked the paranoid blonde.

If he did this, then he'd completely shatter Tweek's trust in him, which means that 1) He'd be hated by the other group, and he liked them. They were a breath of fresh air from Cartman and Kyle's constant screaming and Stan's swooning over Wendy. He honestly doesn't know what he'd do if he were forever cut out of Craig's Gang. 2) He'd never get to apologize to Tweek if he did: Clyde would act like a barrier, making absolute sure that Kenny wouldn't get within a 50-foot radius of Tweek, Token would give him the coldest stare down he might die of hypothermia. Craig, he shivered, he didn't want to _think_ about what Craig would do to him.

He wouldn't do this, definitely not to Tweek.

So when he saw Cartman leaning on his locker (probably trying to look cool), he knew exactly what to say.

"So, Kenny-"

"I want out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So remember when I said I was going to be uploading weekly? Well that won’t happen, because I did a dumb and got myself into summer school and long story short I have limited access to the internet. So in other words, completely ignore that last statement about a schedule. Also, that one line about hiding the body, I figured that so much shit goes down in South Park on a daily basis that some of the main characters totally would’ve either A) committed a felony (cough Cartman cough) or B) Been an accomplice to a felony


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenny stands up to Cartman, and Tweek and Craig get suspicious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest I kinda hate this chapter and I might eventually merge this with the previous one. And it's also super duper late. Better late then never i guess? Also, next chapter might be the headcannons I'm using for this fic, but don't quote me on that.

Cartman slowly blinked, trying to comprehend what he just heard. He pushed of the lockers and walked up to Kenny, and spoke in a dangerously low voice. “I’m sorry, what was that Kenny?”

Kenny looked at Cartman. He was still as fat as ever and, much to his disdain, was extremely short, probably the shortest in the class. That didn’t stop him from being a terrorizing bully however, because he had a mind that would put many intimidating assholes to shame. Kenny, who known the bastard since they were in diapers, knew the signs of when Cartman was going to be intimidating: low voice, straightened back, and direct eye contact, like he was doing right now.

But because Kenny knew him for so long, none of that worked on him. Kenny rolled his eyes “I said I want out. I’m not going along with your plan fatass; I actually have a conscious.”

“AY! DON’T CALL ME FAT YOU FUCKING PO’BOY!” Cartman’s outburst went unnoticed, save for the very few new kids who looked at him in fear, almost. “But seriously Kenny, that’s fucking weak. Stan and the Kyle already got Craig to come by their place, something you’d know if you actually had a phone. Besides, it’s not like he’d get hurt or have a fucking heart attack.”

Kenny ignored the poor joke. “I don’t care. I’m not in it, and I’m telling Tweek and Craig about your little scheme.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would.”

And with that, Kenny stormed off, glad he finally managed to-

“I guess I’ll just have to tell Butters’ parents about you guys.”

Kenny froze, that bastard. While Butter’s parents didn’t exactly _hate_ Kenny, they definitely didn’t like him (he’s heard more than a few slurs under their breath). They also weren’t _exactly_ homophobic, but they definitely weren't going to any prides anytime soon. So if Butters were to be caught gay, dating, and dating Kenny no less, they would ground him forever, and maybe even move him to a different school so he couldn’t see him.

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would.”

Kenny hates this. He hates just how easily Cartman gets everything, like this was all some sort of game to him. He hates just how easily he could flip the board and now Kenny was on the defense. He hates how Cartman has been playing this game for so long, he’s a pro at it.

“How could you even tell them? You don’t have any proof, fatass?”

“I doubt they’ll need much persuasion. And if you want proof, I have it right here, poor boy.” Cartman took out his phone, shaking it in from of him like it was some sort of juicy steak. “When you guys do your thing in public, you aren’t as sneaky as you think you are.” He grinned and pocketed the phone, “So Ken, we got a deal?”

Sometimes Kenny really hated that kid. He turned around, grit his teeth, and let out a firm yes, he didn't try to hide the poison in his voice. “But I’m still not going to help you anymore.”

He could practically feel his smile in his words. “That’s fine, Kenny. Just tell me when you and Tweek were supposed to go to the library, and I’ll handle it from there. You don't even need to come.” Kenny knows he’ll regret this later

 

* * *

 

“Hey Tweek, do you mind if we talk?”

The blond had just gotten back from talking to Kenny, and was making his way back to where Craig was. He jumped at the sound of his name, but quickly walked over. Craig mentally prepared himself, no time like the present, right?

“So you know how much I like s-spending time with you, right?” Tweek nodded, and Craig could see a small flash of panic crossed his eyes. Probably thinking he wanted to break up or something equally devastating.

“And you know how much I love Red Racer, right?" Tweek rolled his eyes. “When do you go a d-day without mentioning Red Racer Ahk! like 10 times?” Ah, there was that sass that Craig loved so much about him.

“So you don’t mind if I go watch the Red Racer movie instead of going on our date, right?” Tweek paused, and looked lost in thought for a bit.

"Funny, I was about to ask the s-same thing, about the Geh! date... Wait, isn't it supposed to come out next month?" 

"I have my ways. What do you mean you weren't going to go?" 

"Kenny asked me to tutor him." Kenny asking for a tutor? Craig furrowed his brows, that didn't make sense, and what a coincidence.

"This is a bit...suspicious isn't it?" Tweek raised a blond eyebrow.

"What is?"

"Kenny asks you to tutor him at the same time Stan and Kyle ask me to watch Red Racer." It makes sense. Together, him and Tweek were unstoppable. Divided, well Craig would and could kick anyone's ass, and so could Tweek. If he weren't to afraid to take it too far, that is.

"They a-asked you to watch Red Racer? Gross. So you Ngh! think they're up to something?"

"Yeah. Hey, Tweekers? Call me if Cartman and his goonies start messing with you."

"Who even s-says goonies anymore? You Ack! fucking nerd."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowwwww this is overdue as hell. I mean half of this was already mostly done, but it was the last bit where Craig talked abt the Red Racer movie that got me. On the bright side I have a rough outline of the whole story plot and lemme tell you I did not sign up for this and neither did you b/c we're in for a wild ride.


	5. Capter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHOS BACK  
> BACK AGAIN  
> SPIN IS BACK  
> TELL A FRIEND

Tweek checked the clock for the tenth time in fifteen minutes, sighing for what felt like the fiftieth. He’d been waiting for Kenny for maybe twenty minutes and was considering leaving soon if he didn’t show up. He looked around, seeing if he could find his neon orange parka. He didn’t find him, but he did find a bunch of people making out and hey, is that Clyde and... Bebe?

Looks like those years of bad flirting finally paid off for him. Wow, they’re really getting at it huh. Bebe’s getting kinda handsy there, and he’d bet like five bucks Clyde just moaned. Tweek suddenly felt like he was intruding on something and should walk away before something else happened. Wait, what are they- _oh dear god are they using tongue? This is a library Christ have some decency._

He returned to his seat, shuddering. He won’t get that out of his head for a while. He checked his phone again and, oh hey he got a message! Maybe it’s- nope, just Token. He really should be leaving. He moved to get up and collect his things before another ring sounded from his phone. It was an update from a game he’d been playing for a while. Setting his stuff down, he reasoned that it wouldn’t kill him to spend another five minutes checking out the update.

Thanks to a lovely little thing called ADD, those five minutes turned into thirty, and the only time he looked up was when he saw someone out of the corner of his eye sit in front of him. He reluctantly shut off his phone, the boss had like 25 HP left dammit, and looked up. “Took-k you long en-ACK!” Tweek’s near-scream and violent twitch caused him to fall backwards in his chair (and half the library to stare).

The painfully awkward tension was broken by a loud snort, then giggling. He glared at the mass of red sitting at the chair in front of him, not so discreetly (or quietly) laughing his ass off. “Oh-Oh man Spaz. That was amazing. Do it again!” Of course it was Cartman. He quickly climbed back into the chair and trying to hide his cherry red face. “Wh-hat do y-you want Cart-tman.” He’s been done with Cartman & Co since 4th grade and would be done with them until he died. _Even then, those assholes would somehow fuck up whatever afterlife there is anyway._

“Well Twitch” again with the nicknames that totally didn't get old in 6th grade “I have a proposi-”

“Not int-terested” Tweek nipped that idea right at the bud and began packing his things. Anything associated with Cartman never ended well, especially if you aren’t Cartman.

“Wait what? You didn't eve-” Cartman, with difficulty, started after Tweek, who was trying to leave as quickly as possible,

“Nope. I’m good.” Why would Cartman be at the library? He’s pretty sure the only thing Cartman would willingly read is the ingredients of a bag of cheesy poofs. Or how poison would affect a victim. He wouldn't put it past him.

“Just, let me, explain, Tweek, Jesus, tap dancing, Christ, you walk, fast.” Tweek walked maybe 20 before he groaned and turned to Cartman, who was somehow out of breath. Cartman caught his breath and stood up straight. “I have a proposition for you, Tweek.”

“F-F-Fine. What d-do you wa-ant?” He really didn't want to be involved in this.

“Tell me Tweek, have you ever heard of a little thing called _Death Wish Coffee_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Awkwardly slides in* howdy do neighbor,,,,,,,,,, so how bout that hiatus huh,,,,,,,,,,,  
> In all seriousness, I did kinda forget about this whoops. The last time i updated (almost a year ago jfc) i was in summer school and this school year was spent trying to make sure that didn't happen again. Now that it’s towards the end and things are starting to unwind (before exams) i had time to actually continue this. i didn't think people were actively reading this and wanting more content. To me this fic seemed like one of those fics that you read, see its unfinished, and never look at it again. But if it is actually something you actively want to see more of, leave a comment or something idk
> 
> Onto the fic itself, before my hiatus, i did have most of it done, but i had trouble actually finishing it so i left it for a later date. That later date was almost a year later lmao. I somewhat remember the original plot i had for this (i had a sheet im pretty sure) and i intend on going through with it, but it may take a while for me to get a feel for writing again so bear with me. Anothing thing is that I’ll try (keyword try) to make fics at least 1000 words per chapter. Obviously not this one, but hopefully the ones after are longer. And hopefully they wont take another year to finish hahaaaaa
> 
> Also shameless plug come and fight me on tumblr https://southmeme.tumblr.com/

**Author's Note:**

> Well this is my first (published) fanfic so kudos and constructive criticism is appreciated!
> 
> The second chapter should come out later this week (if i actually remember to update this)


End file.
